This is my prayer in the harvest,
Where favor and providence flow,
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
This seed I've received, I will sow.
I'll just get right to the point, I am really bad at remembering to praise Him when things are good. It's like a need a downward spiral, an obvious attack from the enemy, or a moment of weakness to remind me of His sustaining power. In fact, at even the first inkling of persecution, trial, or tribulation my heart immediately turns to Him, never asking why things are the way they are or why must I suffer. My heart already knows I deserve way worse than what He throws at me and that He is the only remedy to my sinfulness.
Forgetting Him when things are easy does not stem from me thinking I have a handle on things either. I know it's nothing that I've done to get me into a place where the harvest seems abundant. For some reason, the Father looks on me with love and gives me an easy path...and then I go on auto-pilot. After a few days, I'm almost expecting things to stay running on course and not realizing that I'm forgetting to praise the Giver of the "easiness" in the absence of current hardships.
I was leaving church the other night, and after a really long and busy week [probably the busiest I've had in a very long time], I just needed to drive. A moment to myself to enjoy not having to move on to the next precisely timed task, but to do something spontaneous, just because I could. I didn't even have the radio on, and for those of you who know my music-loving self, that's a veeeery rare occurrence. I just needed the silence. I just needed to rest my mind. I just "needed" to be on auto-pilot...
That's when the above lyrics popped into my head...[see, I can't go long without music one way or another]. I looked back at the past week and everything that had taken place. School is going insanely well, and this is the semester of nursing school that we were warned about when we were accepted into the program. I'm making A's [and taking names ;) ] and am loving an aspect of nursing that I was NOT looking forward to. My brother and his wife got to move into a new place, which may seem like it's their blessing only, but I was wanting it for them so badly that it was like my own victory when we moved them in on Friday. I'm now singing and leading worship for my new church family, which is INSANE in itself because of how much confidence I lack in that area of my life. I am reconnecting with some people who were once such a huge part of my life and seeing how the Lord is using them and growing them. And the Lord is guiding me through the process of figuring out post-graduation plans so I'm not completely blindsided when that day comes.
...and that was just the last week. I knew last Monday that I had quite the challenge ahead of me. So, I prayed for energy, patience, a good attitude, and good time management [I had three 13+ hour days coming up and a lot of stuff to prepare before going into those days]. So, when the busyness hit...I went into "classic Katie" mode, with the attitude of "just get it done...with a smile on. You can sleep when you're dead."
I had thrown away the attitude of prayer and focused on the tasks at hand. So, when my Sunday night drive rolled around and I thought I needed the silence to drown out the craziness in my head and not think about anything for just a minute, I soon realized I really needed the silence so I could drown out the world and hear from Him, the only reason I made it through this week.
That was the moment I realized how selfish I was. I spent a good amount of time praying for God to get me through, and as soon as He did, I forgot Him and focused on patting myself on the back and giving myself "the alone time I deserved". My immediate thought was not to praise Him for sustaining me just like I prayed for Him to, but instead it was to disconnect from everything and not have to answer to anything for a tiny moment. I was living off the adrenaline of my spiritual high and not thanking Him for my cup that was beyond overflowing. I'm currently living in the middle of a harvesting time [not intended to be punny since it's fall, but I'll take a joke anytime, no matter the cheesiness]. I don't just have good things happening to me, but I know from the bottom of my heart that He is doing a HUGE work in my soul. He's shaping me, He's molding me, He's building me, He's sustaining me. All in ways that I never imagined. I've prayed for a very long time to be taken away from some inner demons I was struggling with, not thinking they would ever be remedied, and here I am safely on the other side and able to see clearly the work He was doing in me when I was blinded by my own desires and self pity.
I pray that I remember Him when favor and providence flow. And that I remember that going into auto-pilot is not an option. I must remember Him at every hour and that He fills me in order for all of me to be poured out again. In both of those moments do I learn, in both of those moments do I grow, in both of those moments is He glorified. And His glorification is why we live.
