It's been a while since I've sat down & written a blog post. Life has been crazy & any free time was dedicated to work, school, & church. Not much lounging' & bloggin' able to happen.
But this was worth sitting down & sharing my heart…telling a story, really. My story.
It starts with a call…& we'll just have to wait & see how it ends. ;)
I think the best way to do this is to give you a timeline. So, let's try that.
When I started college back in 2007, I knew that I wanted to pursue a major that would allow me to have a career where I was helping people. I really didn't know what that looked like, but I just knew that I loved people. And I loved helping them. And I also knew that I loved Jesus & I wanted to share the gospel. So, for a girl who grew up in a Southern Baptist church all of my life…I thought going into full-time vocational ministry was my answer. I decided to pursue a degree in Organizational Communications because it would allow me the non-profit background that I wanted.
Then, about 4 or 5 months before I graduated, panic ensued. It hit me that I had NO IDEA what I wanted to do. My original passions were still there intact but I didn't know what to do with them. That's when I decided to go to my then college pastor, Jerel Olson, to help me try & figure out just what options for ministry were out there.
Let me tell you. I was such a mess. I was scared & felt completely lost. No one prepared me for the fact that I was about to be turned out into the real world without a clue…
Let's be real. I'm sure many people tried to clue me in on that…but I just didn't listen.
So, there I was, sitting in Jerel's office…crying like a baby & talking with him about options. I had a friend at the time that spent a summer helping with a church plant in Chicago in a predominantly homosexual community & I remember saying "That's the kind of thing I want to do. I could totally do that…" but I didn't know the first thing about church plants. Or really even what it was. I had grown up in well established churches where there was a paid, on-staff minister for every thing imaginable. Church planting was way out of my realm of knowledge.
Not much was resolved in that conversation. I didn't walk out with an answer. And that's not what I expected of Jerel either…he isn't my guru (or Jesus). I did leave a little more humbled & mentally exhausted but less panicked than I had entered.
Fast forward a little to graduation. Still no freaking clue what I was doing. I couldn't really even enjoy my day of celebration because everyone kept asking me what I was going to do. Where did I intend on working? What was my plan? And I had no answers. Just an empty smile.
After about 75 resumes sent out & only 1 interview…I finally realized that I might have to go back to school. So, yet again, more options to wade through. I wanted to help people, right? And I wanted to be in ministry, right? Soooo, I just knew that I was supposed to go to seminary for Biblical Counseling.
*side note: There was this tiiiiiny, wittle thought that kept creeping in about nursing school. In fact, my first semester at MTSU in 2007 was dedicated to being pre-nursing. But I decided that first off, I didn't want to bust my butt for the program if I wasn't 100% sure…and second, I didn't want to be a nurse because my mom was a nurse. So, I changed my major to ORCO (Organizational Comm…not a whale)*
About 3 weeks after graduation, I got a call from my mom saying that they were in need of some extra help in the Recovery Room at the surgery center she worked for. And since I was jobless…I said "YEEEEESSSS!!!" I knew that I would be working with my mom in a job that wasn't with my degree but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures…
and, sweet Jesus, if I didn't walk out after my first day of work & think to myself "holy cuss, I'm going back to school…NURSING SCHOOL."
I just knew. And I had never experienced clarity or peace like that in my life. But I just knew it was exactly the right answer. The right path. But how in the world was it going to work out?! I was going to have to go back to undergrad & find a way to pay for it. Plus, I had to take classes in order to even be able to apply for the program…and then what if I didn't get in? But yet again…I just knew it was going to work out somehow. So, I did it. I was accepted to MTSU's School of Nursing for the Fall of 2012.
Fast forward to the spring of 2013. I had been at Belle Aire Baptist Church for close to ten years but I felt that God was pulling me elsewhere. I had been very active in both youth and college ministries & was leading a group of high school girls at the time. I just had this uneasiness…that's the best way I knew to describe it…but I couldn't imagine leaving my girls. I loved being their leader. I loved laughing with them. I loved watching them grow. But I finally realized that I was no good to them as a spiritual leader if I, myself, was not listening to what I felt God calling me to do. So, that's when I decided to try out City Church, a church plant here in Murfreesboro.
I knew a lot of people who went there & at that point my college pastor, Jerel, had stepped down at Belle Aire in order to pursue planting a church in South Florida & he was also attending City Church. My first Sunday was May 5, 2013…and I remember leaving with a feeling that I had felt only once before. I just knew…this was my home. I even remember the moment that did it for me. The pastor, Trevor Atwood, called a couple up to the front (we were meeting at a rented venue on the square at the time called the Walnut House) where there was a horse trough filled with water. I watched that couple be baptized into new life with Christ in a way that I had never witnessed before. In a horse trough. In a building that was rented every Sunday. And I watched the husband come out of the water, get out and baptize his wife, and then every person in the room cheer. And not a polite Southern Baptist clap…but an eruption of praise. And I couldn't ignore the beauty I was witnessing.
I decided to become a covenant member with City Church in August of that year & my two best friends, Ami and Angela (even all the way from Texas), demanded that I get on the worship team. But I had never done anything like it before…the thought of singing in front of people basically sent me into convulsions & there was no way that I was good enough to do something like that. But Ami and Angela…you just don't tell them no…especially not because of fear. One of the MANY reasons they are my girls. So, I walked right up to the guy in charge of the worship team & asked how I could get on the team…and then I probably went & threw up somewhere. haha
That next Sunday, I was on stage for the first time leading worship. And I can honestly say that leading worship is by far my favorite ministry that I have ever taken part in. God will take you out of your comfort zone & if you just trust that He is enough…He will do a great work.
During the summer of 2013, I began talking to Jerel about the possibility of helping with the church plant he was doing in Miami. I knew I had a year and a half until a graduated (which seemed like an ETERNITY) and could actually do anything but you know…it's always good to have options! So, having always been a firm believer that you don't necessarily have to pray for open doors…I began praying then for Miami and for God to obviously close doors if that was not an option.
And God never gave me a closed door.
Even after my initial visit last January…and again in July…I just knew.
Jerel had brought together a team of people to help him. He took with him two of my dearest friends from college, Blake & Caroline Herron, as well as one of my roommates from college and her husband (who was in a lot of my classes and was actually a friend of mine before they got together), Kelsey & Dwayne Gibbs. So every time I went to visit, I was visiting what felt like family. Community. People who knew me and my heart and I wanted to be a part of what they were doing. So, I kept praying.
I had finally started letting people in on my Miami thoughts and plans. Partly because I needed extra prayer warriors and partly because you can't make two trips to Florida to visit them & not raise suspicion.
Fast forward again to December 2014…I GRADUATED FROM NURSING SCHOOL! And I gave the keynote speech at pinning that I like to think made even the grown men in the audience shed a little tear. Then, a couple of weeks ago I underwent the most stressful & terrible testing experience of my life. But I came out the other side & I am humbled to say that I am now Katie Suggs, RN.
Wow. It still doesn't feel real. But God's provision has been so perfect and crazy and intricate and good. I know this post is long but I'm even leaving out so much of God's goodness towards me over these last couple of years. Literally, EVERYTHING that has happened has been part of His crazy design and it all finally makes sense.
Now, here comes the big news.
Monday of this week was a rough one. I walked into work (I currently work as a tech in the Emergency Room here in Murfreesboro and I could go on and on about that job. How much I've learned, how much I've grown, how much I love what I do…) and found out that I might not be able to work there anymore as a tech because now that I am an RN, it's out of my scope of practice. And I had been working on a really credible job lead in Florida that I also found out fell through. And on top of that, I found out that I no longer had a car. What seemed like a minor fix and tune up turned into me finding out that I was driving a death trap that would cost too much to fix.
When I came home that night, my parents and I just sat in the living room defeated. Why was everything falling apart? Yes, I knew that no one was dying but what was I supposed to do?! I had the option of accepting the job as an RN that was waiting on me at the ER but I would have to sign a 2 year contract. Accepting the job would allow me to have my dream job, good money, a new car, and health insurance…but why had His calling been so clear to be in Florida this whole time if this was how it was going to end?
Y'all. I was beyond confused. Was this spiritual warfare where I just needed to trust that God was going to provide or were these things closed doors to Miami? I don't have a car to even drive down there anymore. And logic told me what my answer was…but I couldn't accept it.
God's plan for my life had been too clear for years now for one bad Monday to cause it to all come tumbling down. And as Ami said to me "God is not a god of confusion." And He ain't called Provider for no reason.
After talking to my crew of people down in Florida and bombarding their phones with my frantic ramblings of WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS MEEEEAN?!, sweet Caroline (bah bah bahhhh) Herron said "Katie, sometimes God takes away all that we cling to…even logic"…
So that all leads me to here…where I tell you that today I put in my two weeks notice at the ER and bought a one way plane ticket to South Florida. And when I get there, I will be living with one of the 4 families I know there…and they are letting me borrow their car. Yes, I have been applying frantically for jobs down there. No, I haven't heard from any yet. But I have full confidence that God will provide. He called me to this a long time ago…and it looks nothing like the way I thought or planned that it would…and that's because He needs me to know that He has it covered. It's nothing that I've done but that I've been part of HIS plan the whole time.
I'm going down to help with a church plant pastored by the same man, Jerel Olson, who listened to me freak out about what to do after graduation.
I'm going to be serving alongside that couple, Jeremy and Katie Elliott, that drew me in to City Church with their baptism because guess what? They answered the same call to move to South Florida that I'm doing.
I'm broke. Jobless. And no car. But I serve a God much bigger than all of that. I'm tired of living like I don't.
No matter my circumstances, the tomb is still empty, Jesus is still on His throne, and His call is still on my heart.
February 22…I'm coming for you Florida.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Thursday, April 24, 2014
abundantly.
“Katie will be one of those people living in a hut in Africa
with her hair in a rag on top of her head & dancing around a campfire…”
That’s literally how my mom described me to a coworker of
ours one day. Yes, my mom & I work together. Yes, I actually really enjoy
it. No, that’s not what this post is about.
My future plans seem to always come up when I talk about
being in nursing school & graduating soon. The future is a hot topic for
everyone really. We all want to have a plan or something to work towards, so
it’s a natural progression in conversation.
When mom told me that the description above is what she told
the coworker asking about my post-grad plans, I couldn’t do much more than
smile. There are so many times in life (especially during my bad middle part,
flared jeans, teenaged angst phase) where I didn’t think my mom understood me.
But that description showed that she knows me way more than I give her credit
for. Don’t get carried away, now. There’s still a huge part of me that wants to
own that “Girl Misunderstood” area of my life…but this one can be known. In
fact, I want that to be known.
You see, my mom didn’t describe me by my occupation. An
occupation that she shares, an occupation that I went BACK to school for, an
occupation that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m meant for. But it’s
not my definition and not my “end all, be all”.
My mom didn’t describe me as staying in the Nashville
area. An area that I love, an area that is without a doubt my home and comfort,
an area that holds my heart because of it’s people, culture, and family that
obviously lives her. But it is also not my definition and not my “end all, be
all”.
You see, in that one little sentence, my mom describe my
heart. Ever since I was little I can remember being mission-minded. Now, I
wouldn’t have described myself as that when I was 7 and mesmerized by Lion King
because of the culture and the animals, but I always remember watching it and
thinking “I want to go.” I just remember having a heart for what’s beyond my
tiny world and wanting to see it. Literally wanting to see EVERYTHING. Wanting
to experience culture. Wanting to be a part of something big…something radical
:).
That mentality sadly got lost a little bit along the way.
In fact, some of you who actually care enough to read any
posts of mine, may be reading this thinking…”um, never would have pegged you as
the world-traveler type…especially not the hut-livin’, head-rag-wearin’ picture
described above”…
But I told you…that girl got a little lost along the way.
Buried underneath expectations of what I thought my life would look like at
this point and what I felt like the world expected of me. But every once in a
while, you can see her make an appearance. I know you can because when that
child-like ambition to do something “crazy and unconventional” fires up in me…I
can feel it. It’s like I’m buzzing. My heart races, my eyes well up with tears,
and I can’t wipe the stupidest looking grin off my face. My heart longs to be a
vessel.
You see, I just want to make His name great. I just want to
do Kingdom work. I want to be defined by my love, my willingness to go, and my
dedication to the Cross.
Y’all. When the Lord does true work in your life…there is no
better feeling.
It’s painful…don’t get me wrong. Scripture never promises us
that the journey is easy. He just promises that He will provide us with the
protection, tools, and refuge we need. One of my favorite quotes describing
trial pushing you towards Christ is from Charles Spurgeon: “I’ve learned to
kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.”
I probably should have prefaced all of this by saying that I
think no less of anyone who feels like the Lord has called them to a life in
their hometown working a 9 to 5. Trust me, that is a mission field. It’s a
perfect opportunity for ministry. Incredible work can be done for the Kingdom
in our own backyards. I’m just saying that I know the Lord is calling me to
have a different backyard. He’s calling for my obedience to follow Him &
His call and it means an insane amount to know that it’s not just me who sees
that in my life…even when it got buried underneath my own agenda for so long.
Jesus is my “end all, be all.”
He is why I do what I do.
You can also count this as a public apology for where I have
failed in looking anything like the Jesus I claim. Just because my heart
belongs to Him doesn’t mean I’m not human and don’t fail. Sometimes the
language coming out of my mouth sounds no different than a drunk sailor who
just stubbed his toe. Sometimes I make really terrible choices that I don’t
care to admit. But I am always forgiven.
I don’t claim to be perfect. If you know me at all, you know
that’s not true. I just claim to know Truth and the Giver of Life &
Redemption. “…I came that they might have life AND have it more abundantly”
[John 10:10]. Not only are we promised new life in His sacrifice but He wants
us to have an abundant one. And the best part is that everyone’s “abundant
life” doesn’t look the same. So, stop comparing. Stop comparing your life to
other’s and other’s to yours.
I’m just so excited about seeing where He has me this time
next year. So much to process and pray about…and so much to be excited about.
The future is bright, y’all.
I may never end up dancing around a fire in Africa…but I
will end up trying my hardest to be the woman God has designed me to be…and trying not to get distracted along the way.
Thy will be done.
I could be safe,
I could be safe here in your arms and never leave home,
never let these walls down
but You have called me higher,
You have called me deeper,
and I'll go where you will lead me Lord.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
community.
We really can't do this alone.
We can't walk through this life thinking we are okay in our self-sufficiency.
Yes, as a believer we need Christ in every step along the way, whether we choose to call up on the gift of the Holy Spirit or not, but let's take this on a little bit of a different route. Community with other believers, through Christ, is a deep longing and necessity felt by even the most secluded and alienated of us Christians. Even our brothers and sisters that would consider themselves more on the "loner" end of the social spectrum need the occasional reassurance and physical outpouring of Christ's love that can only be brought on by someone who has themselves felt it.
I'm currently reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's "Life Together". I went in looking for "Cost of Discipleship", and when I couldn't find it I asked the guy at the desk for help. I was slightly annoyed that not only did they not have the book, but that the cashier had never heard the name Bonhoeffer before [and to you guys reading this thinking "I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to pronounce that word for the last five minutes, much less do I know who he is…", I urge you to get out and change that. He lived an incredibly rich life for the sake of the gospel and his writings will move you]. Anyways, after spelling his name for the guy about 5 times, this sweet old man in Carhartt overalls and a John Deere hat [thank you God for Tennessee] walks up to me with "Life Together" in his hand and says "I think this is what you were looking for…and if it wasn't, then let it be" and then winked. God bless him he was cute and I have not stopped being thankful for his recommendation.
"It is not simply to be taken for granted that the Christian has the privilege of living among other Christians." -Bonhoeffer
How often do we look upon the GIFT of Christian community and fellowship as our right as a believer rather than a privilege of knowing Christ? Especially those of us who call the "Bible Belt" home…we're surrounded. I have a hard time reading long quotes sometimes, especially ones that are typed out in blogs, so I skip ahead and wait for the blogger to elaborate…but I urge you to really read the quotes that come below. He says it so perfectly and eloquently that me trying to put it in my own simple words will do nothing but take some of the richness out…so here goes…
"So between the death of Christ and the Last Day it is only by a gracious anticipation of the last things that Christians are privileged to live in visible fellowship with other Christians. It is by the grace of God that a congregation is permitted to gather visibly in this world to share God's Word and sacrament. Not all Christians receive this blessing. The imprisoned, the sick, the scattered lonely, the proclaimers of the Gospel in heathen lands stand alone. They know that visible fellowship is a blessing…But they remain alone in far countries, a scattered seed according to God's will. Yet what is denied them as an actual experience they seize upon more fervently in faith."
Jesus had his disciples...Paul had Timothy…and this was during a time where the early church was being built and its followers were scattered; not able to have a weekly meeting ground, a congregation, a Facebook group dedicated to prayer requests of a group of believers. Any interaction with a brother or sister whether that be a letter from across the known world, a brief prayer in passing, or actual visit was of greatest comfort to those who were scattered for the sake of the Gospel…
"But if there is so much blessing and joy even in a single encounter of brother with brother, how inexhaustible are the riches that open up for those who by God's will are privileged to live in the daily fellowship of life with other Christians!"
"The physical presence of other Christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer."
I have been undeniably blessed, especially in my college years, with the community that surrounds me. While in college for my first degree, the community that I was a part of was without a doubt, an anomaly. I was a girl who went from maybe having one friend that I considered even slightly trustworthy in high school to a girl in the middle of something special. Something that only made sense because of Christ. There were about twenty of us who held tight to the foundation of love that bound us all…we all had our seasons of doubt, rebellion, loneliness, and misunderstandings, but no matter what happened we knew we had each other. We knew that we were bound together by something much bigger than we could understand. We loved each other…and still do. There are some of us that should have never been friends by the world's standards. Such different backgrounds, upbringings, views on theology and the world, and desires, but we shared a common love of Christ and a common need to see it played out among believers. Still even now we talk about how we love the fact that we can be separated by states, countries, and years and our reunions feel like we are never out of each other's presence. It's seriously beautiful.
The only common ground we need with other believers is Jesus Himself. Not sports teams, not music, not anything other than the fact that we both know the redeeming nature that Christ's love provides. Wanting and desiring this fellowship doesn't show you as weak, needy, or even that you can't find what you need in Christ alone. It's a natural longing of the Holy Spirit that indwells in you to be connected with itself in someone else.
"It is true, of course, that what is an unspeakable gift of God for the lonely individual is easily disregarded and trodden under foot by those who have the gift every day. It is easily forgotten that the fellowship of Christian brethren is a gift of grace, a gift of the Kingdom of God that any day may be taken from us, that the time that separates us from utter loneliness may be brief indeed. Therefore, let him who until now has had the privilege of living a common Christian life with other Christians praise God's grace from the bottom of his heart. Let him thank God on his knees and declare: It is grace, nothing but grace, that we are allowed to live in community with Christian brethren."
Do not let a moment pass you by with a brother or sister where you aren't letting them know how much they are loved and praising God for letting you have the opportunity to do so.
Thank you Jesus for your innumerable blessings, and especially the unity that comes from knowing you.
We can't walk through this life thinking we are okay in our self-sufficiency.
Yes, as a believer we need Christ in every step along the way, whether we choose to call up on the gift of the Holy Spirit or not, but let's take this on a little bit of a different route. Community with other believers, through Christ, is a deep longing and necessity felt by even the most secluded and alienated of us Christians. Even our brothers and sisters that would consider themselves more on the "loner" end of the social spectrum need the occasional reassurance and physical outpouring of Christ's love that can only be brought on by someone who has themselves felt it.
I'm currently reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's "Life Together". I went in looking for "Cost of Discipleship", and when I couldn't find it I asked the guy at the desk for help. I was slightly annoyed that not only did they not have the book, but that the cashier had never heard the name Bonhoeffer before [and to you guys reading this thinking "I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to pronounce that word for the last five minutes, much less do I know who he is…", I urge you to get out and change that. He lived an incredibly rich life for the sake of the gospel and his writings will move you]. Anyways, after spelling his name for the guy about 5 times, this sweet old man in Carhartt overalls and a John Deere hat [thank you God for Tennessee] walks up to me with "Life Together" in his hand and says "I think this is what you were looking for…and if it wasn't, then let it be" and then winked. God bless him he was cute and I have not stopped being thankful for his recommendation.
"It is not simply to be taken for granted that the Christian has the privilege of living among other Christians." -Bonhoeffer
How often do we look upon the GIFT of Christian community and fellowship as our right as a believer rather than a privilege of knowing Christ? Especially those of us who call the "Bible Belt" home…we're surrounded. I have a hard time reading long quotes sometimes, especially ones that are typed out in blogs, so I skip ahead and wait for the blogger to elaborate…but I urge you to really read the quotes that come below. He says it so perfectly and eloquently that me trying to put it in my own simple words will do nothing but take some of the richness out…so here goes…
"So between the death of Christ and the Last Day it is only by a gracious anticipation of the last things that Christians are privileged to live in visible fellowship with other Christians. It is by the grace of God that a congregation is permitted to gather visibly in this world to share God's Word and sacrament. Not all Christians receive this blessing. The imprisoned, the sick, the scattered lonely, the proclaimers of the Gospel in heathen lands stand alone. They know that visible fellowship is a blessing…But they remain alone in far countries, a scattered seed according to God's will. Yet what is denied them as an actual experience they seize upon more fervently in faith."
Jesus had his disciples...Paul had Timothy…and this was during a time where the early church was being built and its followers were scattered; not able to have a weekly meeting ground, a congregation, a Facebook group dedicated to prayer requests of a group of believers. Any interaction with a brother or sister whether that be a letter from across the known world, a brief prayer in passing, or actual visit was of greatest comfort to those who were scattered for the sake of the Gospel…
"But if there is so much blessing and joy even in a single encounter of brother with brother, how inexhaustible are the riches that open up for those who by God's will are privileged to live in the daily fellowship of life with other Christians!"
"The physical presence of other Christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer."
I have been undeniably blessed, especially in my college years, with the community that surrounds me. While in college for my first degree, the community that I was a part of was without a doubt, an anomaly. I was a girl who went from maybe having one friend that I considered even slightly trustworthy in high school to a girl in the middle of something special. Something that only made sense because of Christ. There were about twenty of us who held tight to the foundation of love that bound us all…we all had our seasons of doubt, rebellion, loneliness, and misunderstandings, but no matter what happened we knew we had each other. We knew that we were bound together by something much bigger than we could understand. We loved each other…and still do. There are some of us that should have never been friends by the world's standards. Such different backgrounds, upbringings, views on theology and the world, and desires, but we shared a common love of Christ and a common need to see it played out among believers. Still even now we talk about how we love the fact that we can be separated by states, countries, and years and our reunions feel like we are never out of each other's presence. It's seriously beautiful.
The only common ground we need with other believers is Jesus Himself. Not sports teams, not music, not anything other than the fact that we both know the redeeming nature that Christ's love provides. Wanting and desiring this fellowship doesn't show you as weak, needy, or even that you can't find what you need in Christ alone. It's a natural longing of the Holy Spirit that indwells in you to be connected with itself in someone else.
"It is true, of course, that what is an unspeakable gift of God for the lonely individual is easily disregarded and trodden under foot by those who have the gift every day. It is easily forgotten that the fellowship of Christian brethren is a gift of grace, a gift of the Kingdom of God that any day may be taken from us, that the time that separates us from utter loneliness may be brief indeed. Therefore, let him who until now has had the privilege of living a common Christian life with other Christians praise God's grace from the bottom of his heart. Let him thank God on his knees and declare: It is grace, nothing but grace, that we are allowed to live in community with Christian brethren."
Do not let a moment pass you by with a brother or sister where you aren't letting them know how much they are loved and praising God for letting you have the opportunity to do so.
Thank you Jesus for your innumerable blessings, and especially the unity that comes from knowing you.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
in the harvest.
This is my prayer in the harvest,
Where favor and providence flow,
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
This seed I've received, I will sow.
I'll just get right to the point, I am really bad at remembering to praise Him when things are good. It's like a need a downward spiral, an obvious attack from the enemy, or a moment of weakness to remind me of His sustaining power. In fact, at even the first inkling of persecution, trial, or tribulation my heart immediately turns to Him, never asking why things are the way they are or why must I suffer. My heart already knows I deserve way worse than what He throws at me and that He is the only remedy to my sinfulness.
Forgetting Him when things are easy does not stem from me thinking I have a handle on things either. I know it's nothing that I've done to get me into a place where the harvest seems abundant. For some reason, the Father looks on me with love and gives me an easy path...and then I go on auto-pilot. After a few days, I'm almost expecting things to stay running on course and not realizing that I'm forgetting to praise the Giver of the "easiness" in the absence of current hardships.
I was leaving church the other night, and after a really long and busy week [probably the busiest I've had in a very long time], I just needed to drive. A moment to myself to enjoy not having to move on to the next precisely timed task, but to do something spontaneous, just because I could. I didn't even have the radio on, and for those of you who know my music-loving self, that's a veeeery rare occurrence. I just needed the silence. I just needed to rest my mind. I just "needed" to be on auto-pilot...
That's when the above lyrics popped into my head...[see, I can't go long without music one way or another]. I looked back at the past week and everything that had taken place. School is going insanely well, and this is the semester of nursing school that we were warned about when we were accepted into the program. I'm making A's [and taking names ;) ] and am loving an aspect of nursing that I was NOT looking forward to. My brother and his wife got to move into a new place, which may seem like it's their blessing only, but I was wanting it for them so badly that it was like my own victory when we moved them in on Friday. I'm now singing and leading worship for my new church family, which is INSANE in itself because of how much confidence I lack in that area of my life. I am reconnecting with some people who were once such a huge part of my life and seeing how the Lord is using them and growing them. And the Lord is guiding me through the process of figuring out post-graduation plans so I'm not completely blindsided when that day comes.
...and that was just the last week. I knew last Monday that I had quite the challenge ahead of me. So, I prayed for energy, patience, a good attitude, and good time management [I had three 13+ hour days coming up and a lot of stuff to prepare before going into those days]. So, when the busyness hit...I went into "classic Katie" mode, with the attitude of "just get it done...with a smile on. You can sleep when you're dead."
I had thrown away the attitude of prayer and focused on the tasks at hand. So, when my Sunday night drive rolled around and I thought I needed the silence to drown out the craziness in my head and not think about anything for just a minute, I soon realized I really needed the silence so I could drown out the world and hear from Him, the only reason I made it through this week.
That was the moment I realized how selfish I was. I spent a good amount of time praying for God to get me through, and as soon as He did, I forgot Him and focused on patting myself on the back and giving myself "the alone time I deserved". My immediate thought was not to praise Him for sustaining me just like I prayed for Him to, but instead it was to disconnect from everything and not have to answer to anything for a tiny moment. I was living off the adrenaline of my spiritual high and not thanking Him for my cup that was beyond overflowing. I'm currently living in the middle of a harvesting time [not intended to be punny since it's fall, but I'll take a joke anytime, no matter the cheesiness]. I don't just have good things happening to me, but I know from the bottom of my heart that He is doing a HUGE work in my soul. He's shaping me, He's molding me, He's building me, He's sustaining me. All in ways that I never imagined. I've prayed for a very long time to be taken away from some inner demons I was struggling with, not thinking they would ever be remedied, and here I am safely on the other side and able to see clearly the work He was doing in me when I was blinded by my own desires and self pity.
I pray that I remember Him when favor and providence flow. And that I remember that going into auto-pilot is not an option. I must remember Him at every hour and that He fills me in order for all of me to be poured out again. In both of those moments do I learn, in both of those moments do I grow, in both of those moments is He glorified. And His glorification is why we live.
Where favor and providence flow,
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
This seed I've received, I will sow.
I'll just get right to the point, I am really bad at remembering to praise Him when things are good. It's like a need a downward spiral, an obvious attack from the enemy, or a moment of weakness to remind me of His sustaining power. In fact, at even the first inkling of persecution, trial, or tribulation my heart immediately turns to Him, never asking why things are the way they are or why must I suffer. My heart already knows I deserve way worse than what He throws at me and that He is the only remedy to my sinfulness.
Forgetting Him when things are easy does not stem from me thinking I have a handle on things either. I know it's nothing that I've done to get me into a place where the harvest seems abundant. For some reason, the Father looks on me with love and gives me an easy path...and then I go on auto-pilot. After a few days, I'm almost expecting things to stay running on course and not realizing that I'm forgetting to praise the Giver of the "easiness" in the absence of current hardships.
I was leaving church the other night, and after a really long and busy week [probably the busiest I've had in a very long time], I just needed to drive. A moment to myself to enjoy not having to move on to the next precisely timed task, but to do something spontaneous, just because I could. I didn't even have the radio on, and for those of you who know my music-loving self, that's a veeeery rare occurrence. I just needed the silence. I just needed to rest my mind. I just "needed" to be on auto-pilot...
That's when the above lyrics popped into my head...[see, I can't go long without music one way or another]. I looked back at the past week and everything that had taken place. School is going insanely well, and this is the semester of nursing school that we were warned about when we were accepted into the program. I'm making A's [and taking names ;) ] and am loving an aspect of nursing that I was NOT looking forward to. My brother and his wife got to move into a new place, which may seem like it's their blessing only, but I was wanting it for them so badly that it was like my own victory when we moved them in on Friday. I'm now singing and leading worship for my new church family, which is INSANE in itself because of how much confidence I lack in that area of my life. I am reconnecting with some people who were once such a huge part of my life and seeing how the Lord is using them and growing them. And the Lord is guiding me through the process of figuring out post-graduation plans so I'm not completely blindsided when that day comes.
...and that was just the last week. I knew last Monday that I had quite the challenge ahead of me. So, I prayed for energy, patience, a good attitude, and good time management [I had three 13+ hour days coming up and a lot of stuff to prepare before going into those days]. So, when the busyness hit...I went into "classic Katie" mode, with the attitude of "just get it done...with a smile on. You can sleep when you're dead."
I had thrown away the attitude of prayer and focused on the tasks at hand. So, when my Sunday night drive rolled around and I thought I needed the silence to drown out the craziness in my head and not think about anything for just a minute, I soon realized I really needed the silence so I could drown out the world and hear from Him, the only reason I made it through this week.
That was the moment I realized how selfish I was. I spent a good amount of time praying for God to get me through, and as soon as He did, I forgot Him and focused on patting myself on the back and giving myself "the alone time I deserved". My immediate thought was not to praise Him for sustaining me just like I prayed for Him to, but instead it was to disconnect from everything and not have to answer to anything for a tiny moment. I was living off the adrenaline of my spiritual high and not thanking Him for my cup that was beyond overflowing. I'm currently living in the middle of a harvesting time [not intended to be punny since it's fall, but I'll take a joke anytime, no matter the cheesiness]. I don't just have good things happening to me, but I know from the bottom of my heart that He is doing a HUGE work in my soul. He's shaping me, He's molding me, He's building me, He's sustaining me. All in ways that I never imagined. I've prayed for a very long time to be taken away from some inner demons I was struggling with, not thinking they would ever be remedied, and here I am safely on the other side and able to see clearly the work He was doing in me when I was blinded by my own desires and self pity.
I pray that I remember Him when favor and providence flow. And that I remember that going into auto-pilot is not an option. I must remember Him at every hour and that He fills me in order for all of me to be poured out again. In both of those moments do I learn, in both of those moments do I grow, in both of those moments is He glorified. And His glorification is why we live.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
lies.
Here's my heart, Lord
speak what is true.
When life gets crazy, I find myself praying [and even begging] for this. Yes, technically I know truth already. I know ultimate truth because I know Christ, but this is where that whole "personal relationship" idea comes in. In order to defeat the lies constantly fed to us by the enemy, we can't just know of Christ, we must reflect on His promises, His character revealed to us through scripture, and most importantly, how He looks upon us as children of God.
It's really easy to let your mind get the best of you, especially when things seem to start spiraling, and especially when even I consider myself "Miss Overanalyze". Now, I don't want you to think as you read this that I am some girl who is in constant torment within my mind and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Sometimes, I think these entries come across a lot sadder than I am. I am a girl with a lot of joy, a lot of laughter, and a smile at even my weakest moments [something that is not of myself, but because I know a Hope bigger than my struggles.]
But don't let my quirkiness and occasional snort when I laugh fool you. I believe the lies of the enemy constantly. They find their way in even the smallest of holes. When it comes to Satan, you gotta give it to the guy, he's an opportunist...and a really good one at that.
When it comes to the lies I believe, there seemed to be a fairly long list. But one night a few months ago, my best friend, Angela, and I realized wherein these fallacies lie. It wasn't all these little lies that were the problem; it was one huge lie that all the little ones fit into:
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.
I'm NOT skinny ENOUGH.
I'm NOT pretty ENOUGH.
I'm NOT trendy ENOUGH.
I'm NOT funny ENOUGH.
I'm NOT smart ENOUGH.
...and the list goes on.
I must be more of these things in order for people to love me, right?
I'll make it easy for you...NO. The answer is a big, fat NO.
Even if you got better at any of the above things, there will always be someone a step [or maybe 10 steps] ahead of you.
So, here's the part where I give you the "you're perfect just the way you are" pep talk...except, I'm not going to do that because all that does is give you a false hope and security in yourself. Instead, I give you truth:
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.
"Wait, what? But I thought you said that was a lie...?"
Yeah, well it is...but it also isn't.
You see, our strivings will never be enough. Our flesh will never be enough. Our work will never be enough.
So how do we keep ourselves from feeling completely worthless and inadequate? We chase after and surrender ourselves to the One who is always enough.
One who looks on us with love:
"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are..." -I John 3:1
One who knows us intimately:
"O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether." -Psalm 139:1-4
One who is our constant friend:
"No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." -John 15:15
One who chose us and views us as holy and blameless through Christ's sacrifice:
"Even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will" -Ephesians 1:4-5
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." -1 Peter 2:9
One who has makes us new:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." -2 Corinthians 5:17
" And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross." -Colossians 2:13-14
One who is completely sufficient in our inadequacy:
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" -2 Corinthians 3:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5
" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." -2 Corinthians 12:9
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God..." -Ephesians 2:8
I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I'm made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
Here's my heart, Lord
Speak what is true.
‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
You're all I have, You're everything
The enemy and his lies have been defeated. Our hope and worth are secure. We have an advocate even in our failures and shortcomings and we can find rest in His sufficiency. Praise God for that.
speak what is true.
When life gets crazy, I find myself praying [and even begging] for this. Yes, technically I know truth already. I know ultimate truth because I know Christ, but this is where that whole "personal relationship" idea comes in. In order to defeat the lies constantly fed to us by the enemy, we can't just know of Christ, we must reflect on His promises, His character revealed to us through scripture, and most importantly, how He looks upon us as children of God.
It's really easy to let your mind get the best of you, especially when things seem to start spiraling, and especially when even I consider myself "Miss Overanalyze". Now, I don't want you to think as you read this that I am some girl who is in constant torment within my mind and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Sometimes, I think these entries come across a lot sadder than I am. I am a girl with a lot of joy, a lot of laughter, and a smile at even my weakest moments [something that is not of myself, but because I know a Hope bigger than my struggles.]
But don't let my quirkiness and occasional snort when I laugh fool you. I believe the lies of the enemy constantly. They find their way in even the smallest of holes. When it comes to Satan, you gotta give it to the guy, he's an opportunist...and a really good one at that.
When it comes to the lies I believe, there seemed to be a fairly long list. But one night a few months ago, my best friend, Angela, and I realized wherein these fallacies lie. It wasn't all these little lies that were the problem; it was one huge lie that all the little ones fit into:
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.
I'm NOT skinny ENOUGH.
I'm NOT pretty ENOUGH.
I'm NOT trendy ENOUGH.
I'm NOT funny ENOUGH.
I'm NOT smart ENOUGH.
...and the list goes on.
I must be more of these things in order for people to love me, right?
I'll make it easy for you...NO. The answer is a big, fat NO.
Even if you got better at any of the above things, there will always be someone a step [or maybe 10 steps] ahead of you.
So, here's the part where I give you the "you're perfect just the way you are" pep talk...except, I'm not going to do that because all that does is give you a false hope and security in yourself. Instead, I give you truth:
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.
"Wait, what? But I thought you said that was a lie...?"
Yeah, well it is...but it also isn't.
You see, our strivings will never be enough. Our flesh will never be enough. Our work will never be enough.
So how do we keep ourselves from feeling completely worthless and inadequate? We chase after and surrender ourselves to the One who is always enough.
One who looks on us with love:
"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are..." -I John 3:1
One who knows us intimately:
"O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether." -Psalm 139:1-4
One who is our constant friend:
"No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." -John 15:15
One who chose us and views us as holy and blameless through Christ's sacrifice:
"Even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will" -Ephesians 1:4-5
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." -1 Peter 2:9
One who has makes us new:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." -2 Corinthians 5:17
" And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross." -Colossians 2:13-14
One who is completely sufficient in our inadequacy:
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" -2 Corinthians 3:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5
" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." -2 Corinthians 12:9
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God..." -Ephesians 2:8
I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I'm made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
Here's my heart, Lord
Speak what is true.
‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
You're all I have, You're everything
The enemy and his lies have been defeated. Our hope and worth are secure. We have an advocate even in our failures and shortcomings and we can find rest in His sufficiency. Praise God for that.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
refuge.
You sit down to pray with your Bible in your lap, & within ten seconds your mind is somewhere else, unable to focus on the task at hand. I find myself having to stop & pray for clarity & focus quite a bit...
Especially today when I woke up with my mind racing. Sometimes I still surprise myself with how much I worry with & analyze, but the last week has presented a few incomprehensible situations, leaving me with a lot of questions, fear, and cloudy moments.
So, this morning when I sat down to read scripture & I couldn't focus long enough to make it to the third word, I immediately put my Bible aside in order to attack the spiritual warfare at its core & to ask for sanity & clarity. No sooner did those words come out of my mouth did the song "Mystery" by Charlie Hall come through my headphones:
Sweet Jesus Christ, my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ, my clarity
Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.
That's when I realized that the three truths of Christ's death, resurrection, & coming redemption of a broken world are the only clarity & refuge I need.
It's not that I had never realized this before, but today He needed me to see how I was trying to make sense of things & answer tough questions on my own, when in actuality all I need to do is rest on these truths. No questions asked.
We serve a God who is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever. Even when our fear is crippling, our faith is weak, our hope is waning, & our strength is gone, we have a God with an unfathomable capacity to see past our sin, our hopelessness, our depravity, & pick us up, covered by the blood of a risen & perfect Savior & love us perfectly through it.
I also found myself bringing before the Lord lots of phrases that started with "I'm scared of..." or "I'm scared for...". Coming from a girl who isn't scared of much in this world, these were hard to admit. But Christ never fails to meet us where we are.
He knows my inability to admit my fears & insecurities better than I do myself. It was like He shook me & said, "Look, you know that unfathomable, perfect love that I possess & pointed out to you minutes ago? Yeah, it covers those fears, too, Katie. I never tire of hearing your heart, but know you have no reason to worry..."
Hallelujah to the King!
He has brought me so far. He has helped me make sense of this wrecked heart of mine & replaced it with hope & healing, & I pray for the strength to take these truths into areas of my life that are hard. I believe them too much & rest in them too much to let them be in vain.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. His ways are oh so good.
Especially today when I woke up with my mind racing. Sometimes I still surprise myself with how much I worry with & analyze, but the last week has presented a few incomprehensible situations, leaving me with a lot of questions, fear, and cloudy moments.
So, this morning when I sat down to read scripture & I couldn't focus long enough to make it to the third word, I immediately put my Bible aside in order to attack the spiritual warfare at its core & to ask for sanity & clarity. No sooner did those words come out of my mouth did the song "Mystery" by Charlie Hall come through my headphones:
Sweet Jesus Christ, my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ, my clarity
Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.
That's when I realized that the three truths of Christ's death, resurrection, & coming redemption of a broken world are the only clarity & refuge I need.
It's not that I had never realized this before, but today He needed me to see how I was trying to make sense of things & answer tough questions on my own, when in actuality all I need to do is rest on these truths. No questions asked.
We serve a God who is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever. Even when our fear is crippling, our faith is weak, our hope is waning, & our strength is gone, we have a God with an unfathomable capacity to see past our sin, our hopelessness, our depravity, & pick us up, covered by the blood of a risen & perfect Savior & love us perfectly through it.
I also found myself bringing before the Lord lots of phrases that started with "I'm scared of..." or "I'm scared for...". Coming from a girl who isn't scared of much in this world, these were hard to admit. But Christ never fails to meet us where we are.
He knows my inability to admit my fears & insecurities better than I do myself. It was like He shook me & said, "Look, you know that unfathomable, perfect love that I possess & pointed out to you minutes ago? Yeah, it covers those fears, too, Katie. I never tire of hearing your heart, but know you have no reason to worry..."
Hallelujah to the King!
He has brought me so far. He has helped me make sense of this wrecked heart of mine & replaced it with hope & healing, & I pray for the strength to take these truths into areas of my life that are hard. I believe them too much & rest in them too much to let them be in vain.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. His ways are oh so good.
Monday, July 8, 2013
a broken heart.
I found written in an old journal of mine a phrase that hit me harder than I've been hit in a while. At the end of some sermon notes from Feb. 2010, I had written:
"repent, Katie, of all the gospel that remains unpreached in your life."
The last few days I've really been trying to reflect on the sin in my life. I've just been so bogged down with it all; my strivings to make everyone around me happy, my incessant need to seem like I have it all together even when I'm completely wrecked on the inside, putting relationships in my life way before my relationship with Christ, and not to mention your everyday "looking like the rest of the world" sins with my actions, thoughts, and words.
When you ask God to reveal your sin, be prepared for Him to do so...
It's an incredibly painful process but it's a refining one...one where you are made better, stronger, sanctified...
But tonight, finding that line where I commanded myself in an old journal to stop taking the gospel so lightly, that's where I realized just how disgustingly sinful I am.
It's the gospel.
People's lives are at stake. Even more so, their eternities are being overlooked for the sake of our comfortable conversations.
I'm big on lyrics and my favorite line in a popular worship song is: break my heart for what breaks yours...
It's a plea for His will and to know Him more. It's asking to better understand the heart and mind of God. As a 24 year old female, I've most definitely had my heart broken. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy and definitely not something I would pray for...unless it means breaking my heart to better know His.
When's the last time you truly asked God to break your heart? Ever?
To hate sin in the same way He does...
To not laugh at or overlook others in their sin but for your heart to ache as you advocate for them before Jesus...
For true conviction at the sin in your own life...
It's a journey I'm currently trying to take. To stop being comfortable and complacent with decisions I make and to be heart broken & completely wrecked for the sake of the gospel. To be so overcome with the gravity of my sin, but overflowing with a joy because the God who gave me these convictions has also saved me from them.
How can we rest in His grace, love, and mercy if we never reach into the depths of our wretchedness to understand what we've been saved from?
We must also tell the world of this saving grace. It's too sweet to keep to ourselves.
and as a sidenote: I don't claim to have it all together...I just claim to be a girl with an unshakeable Hope.
"repent, Katie, of all the gospel that remains unpreached in your life."
The last few days I've really been trying to reflect on the sin in my life. I've just been so bogged down with it all; my strivings to make everyone around me happy, my incessant need to seem like I have it all together even when I'm completely wrecked on the inside, putting relationships in my life way before my relationship with Christ, and not to mention your everyday "looking like the rest of the world" sins with my actions, thoughts, and words.
When you ask God to reveal your sin, be prepared for Him to do so...
It's an incredibly painful process but it's a refining one...one where you are made better, stronger, sanctified...
But tonight, finding that line where I commanded myself in an old journal to stop taking the gospel so lightly, that's where I realized just how disgustingly sinful I am.
It's the gospel.
People's lives are at stake. Even more so, their eternities are being overlooked for the sake of our comfortable conversations.
I'm big on lyrics and my favorite line in a popular worship song is: break my heart for what breaks yours...
It's a plea for His will and to know Him more. It's asking to better understand the heart and mind of God. As a 24 year old female, I've most definitely had my heart broken. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy and definitely not something I would pray for...unless it means breaking my heart to better know His.
When's the last time you truly asked God to break your heart? Ever?
To hate sin in the same way He does...
To not laugh at or overlook others in their sin but for your heart to ache as you advocate for them before Jesus...
For true conviction at the sin in your own life...
It's a journey I'm currently trying to take. To stop being comfortable and complacent with decisions I make and to be heart broken & completely wrecked for the sake of the gospel. To be so overcome with the gravity of my sin, but overflowing with a joy because the God who gave me these convictions has also saved me from them.
How can we rest in His grace, love, and mercy if we never reach into the depths of our wretchedness to understand what we've been saved from?
We must also tell the world of this saving grace. It's too sweet to keep to ourselves.
and as a sidenote: I don't claim to have it all together...I just claim to be a girl with an unshakeable Hope.
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